An insider guide to successful dating
We are happy to present to you an Uptitude guest article on dating. I have been happily “dating” the same man since more than 9 years so I am a bit “rusted” in this area. That’s why I will let Monica tell you more about her learnings regarding the subject. This post gives lots of value and it doesn’t apply to dating only but also to the general love life. And, as a coach, I must challenge you with a question: what’s the first thing that you will change in your love life after you read this article?
We’ve all been there: first dates that didn’t turn out well, months of fun and connection ending in drama, tenderness, falling in love, falling out of love, butterflies in the stomach, starting dating again convinced you’ll never do the same mistakes again, the joy of a touch, a sparkle in the other person’s eyes, learning with and from the other.
All this made me become more persistent and getting to know what I honestly want in a partner.
Dating is that one thing everyone talks about, I hear conversations in the bus, I read stories and articles on the Internet and still I want to know more and learn from every experience. In the dating world, with colorful characters and reality checks, I sometimes feel lost and I feel the need to clarify things and open up my mind.
So here is my own list of dating mistakes, don’t be shy to make good use of it and learn from someone else’s mistakes!
1. Lack of constructive communication
Let’s face it: at the beginning everything is wonderful, hours of talking which in reality doesn’t get you to know the person who’s in front of you. Personal questions are avoided, we stay in the polite, nothing more. And even if we go deeper, we only hear what we want to hear.
Talking about travels, hobbies doesn’t give any clue about the real you and doesn’t give the other person reasons to stick around. So, open up, be honest about your wants and needs, but choose your date carefully. We should consider quality dating, not quantity!
Ask questions and listen well and you’ll get a fair amount of information to decide if you’re in or out.
2. Not respecting the other person’s feelings, needs and personal space
Time is not our enemy and a relationship needs time to grow.
Respect is the key word, you can’t control other people’s feelings, but you can be in control of yourself and understand that the others can have different values and standards.
Neediness is not attractive and only drives people away.
Once again direct and honest communication about our needs will encourage the other to open up.
3. Taking the other person for granted
We meet someone who is kind to us, who cares, who supports us and tries to make us happy and instead of showing our appreciation, we create discussions or drama. Compliments are an act of consideration, but use them wisely. I’m talking here about recognizing the other person’s beauty and uniqueness.
4. Competition
Relationships should be a balance between giving and taking and not about who gave more or less. Try not to get into a competition, you will lose your enthusiasm and energy. This doesn’t mean you can’t surprise your partner, but give and appreciate every time he or she gives back.
5. Not knowing what we really want in our love life
We can be in our 20s or 30s or 40s, if we didn’t take the time to think of who we are and what we want from a relationship, we will keep repeating the same mistakes and will end up confused and blaming the others for our unhappiness.
What should we do? Be honest and set up realistic objectives knowing our limits and being truthful to ourselves.
6. Giving up our independence
We all have friends who once in a relationship forgot about themselves and think only about the object of their passion. No more meetings with friends, gym classes, personal hobbies, concerts and other things that don’t involve their better half. Wrong, wrong, wrong! And I don’t say it enough, wrong!
You are loved because of your independence, this is what makes you special, and your personal life is part of the great package you represent!
Don’t give up your independence or you will lose yourself in the process and end up (if it ends up) with nothing but regrets and sadness!
7. Meeting each other’s friends too early
Get to know the person alone first and then you can introduce them to your friends. Mostly because they can influence you and they don’t always know what your best dating type is. So, be discreet for a while and keep your eyes and mind open!
8. Selfishness
Being single is all about us: going out, having fun, traveling, and dating. And we get used to it, maybe too much…keep in mind that a relationship is about 2 people. And showing that you care means being present for both the good and the bad moments; helping and encouraging the other person, sharing your time with them.
9. Playing games
The jealousy game, the hot and cold game and the flirting are the most common ways to validate ourselves and feel in control. The problem is that games bring more games and soon the situation is out of control and people are getting hurt and lose their interest.
Monica is an Uptituder living in Brussels. A life enthusiast that loves learning new things, always looking to meet positive people and share ideas.
