We are told from a young age not to be selfish, but can you be too selfless?
How can we keep balance between being nice to others and nurturing ourselves?
The idea of selflessness and acts of selflessness particularly, have long been admired by humanity. They are a sign of maturity, of benevolence or simply even a very nice person.
I’m sure you appreciate that if you want to be really happy in this world, you will need to do something for others, to give back in some way. While there may be some who believe that ‘greed is good’, as Michael Douglas put it, by and large however, we have a tendency to want to see ourselves as kind and generous people.
“In truth the other person is your most sensitive self given another body.”- Khalil Gibran
Being generous or selfless comes easier to some than others, and certainly balance is more difficult for all of us. While some struggle to be aware and think of others, there are those who are overly generous and their challenge is to accept gifts that are offered to them.
By always needing to be the one that does the giving, they deny others the bounty of experiencing their own generosity, while they themselves miss out on their chance to humbly receive.
‘And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?… For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.- Khalil Gibran
So clearly it is not as straightforward as we think. In this paradoxical dynamic, we need to balance our own generosity with allowing others to be generous. This very interesting interaction between self and others plays out, not just regarding generosity, but across various human exchanges.
In order to understand why the whole self/selfless paradigm is so complex we must understand that each of us has two distinct natures. While our most primitive instincts lean towards survival and selfishness, our higher nature aspires to transcending these selfish impulses and limiting patterns.
I am sure you have felt the struggle to do the right but difficult thing in a situation, or noticed how free you felt when you did something noble. This is your higher nature at work as you develop virtues such as love, honesty, compassion etc.. As you develop these qualities, you learn to be lighter with yourself and others, becoming less rigid or fearful. Even within the world of virtues there is a yin yang continuum. Some of the virtues that we need are quite yang or hard in nature, while others are soft. For example tolerance might be considered a gentle or soft virtue, while self-discipline appears to be more yang or hard. So it is not always about being soft on others or yourself.
Certainly human beings are social creatures, some more so than others, but let us explore how we can find a balance in dealing with our fellow humans. If we want to make the world a better place, surely we ourselves have to be equitable in how we treat others. At the end of the day it is ultimately only our own selves that we can really change.
So finding balance in dealing with others is always going to be an art form that will take time for you to craft. At its most basic, I guess most of us would think selfish is bad and selfless is good, but often we can do the right things for the wrong reasons. By that I mean we might think that we are being gentle with another person when in fact we are being cowardly. We might give into some strong personality, just to keep the peace, even though it is not going to lead to a situation that is good for anyone.
You have, no doubt, been treated unfairly at some time in your life, so imagine that this is someone you know well who has been unfair to you. How do you deal with it? While some like confrontation, most of us don’t, and we deal with conflict in a very ‘fight or flight’ way. The stress of having to deal with the situation most often puts us into a very defensive or hostile mode, where we blurt out some anger and damage the relationship for a while at least. The other alternative that we take is to be afraid to say something, thinking of ourselves as being tolerant. This leaves us still afraid to stand up for ourselves with the other person not developing either. Both are the work of our ego wanting to control or be liked.
“The fifth time [I have despised my soul], when she forbode for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength”– Khalil Gibran
The balance is always the middle way, where you are not leaning towards either side, but are flexible to do what is fair for both. This way we begin to live a principle-based life. In the self/others matrix below you can see how, when we approach a relationship from our lower nature it doesn’t work out well. Either we end up being very narrow and limited in our self-interest or a pleaser who allows others to dictate our lives. When we approach relationships from our higher nature with the best interest for all involved, everyone benefits, even though it takes time and courage to develop.
So rather than reacting, lashing out or running away, try to cultivate this approach:
- Assure them of your value for them and the relationship.
- Explain in a gentle way why you want to find a solution that is fair for everyone.
- Talk about what you want to create rather than what you don’t like or want.
- Talk about the behaviour as separate from the person.
- Avoid defensiveness or hurting somebody’s feelings.
- Realise beyond both of your egos, that there are two valuable being who want to be accepted and loved.
So my challenge to you is to become more aware of the motives behind your interactions with others and to either become gentler or more courageous to make your world a fairer place for you and those you meet. By doing this you will taking a solid step in becoming the change you want to see in the world.
Live your life on purpose
Yes, it does take courage to take a stand of who you are, what you are here for, and be in your light and magnificence. It’s so much easier to just hide behind smallness, agreeing with everyone, especially the social modes of thinking, doing, and being. Great read. Thank you!
Thanks Sue. We must also be gentle and loving with others. For me the key is to act in a way that helps everyone to move forward. If they request or insist on something that does is not really good for them or you, I guess the ideal would be to gently and lovingly explain why you feel it is fairer to do something else. Thank you again for your great comments.
Wow, Paddy, you covered it all. Can’t wait to read your book. This subject has been an ongoing conversation in my life on a number of fronts. I WILL be sharing this.
Thank you Lisa Marie. Our relationship with ourselves and others are dealt with in the early chapters. As someone who was too gentle and suffered as a result and who also did not want to end up limited by abusive experiences, I thought about finding the balance a lot. The middle way is not about just compromise, but having the courage to stand by what you believe to be justice in a lovingly way and also being prepared to listen to others contribution to the discussion. This is true courage. Fighting is easy. 🙂
Excellently written Paddy, my sentiments as well. Thankyou for sharing this with the community I Know it will support many in being more supportive of self and others in a healthy way. Thankyou.
Thank you Lorna :). We are all here to learn from each other and also to remind ourselves to stay on track :). Justice is super important and is a basis for a happy world. 🙂
Really well written, Paddy, and clearly drawn from a depth of knowledge as well as contemplation. The graphic is particularly effective. Some real food for thought here. I am both a giver and an acquiescer, and it is too easy to lose sight of the fact that I do deny others the opportunity to give to me when I make it impossible for them to know that I need. Thank you!