01Jul
By: Lidia Dogaru On: July 01, 2015 In: Challenge, Change, Learning, Life Comments: 6

lifeguardI heard once this nice phrase: “If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans.” I said that this could not be true…but there are so many more sayings that mean more or less the same thing, so there has to be somewhere a bit of truth.

And guess what: I am a person that loves making plans. And I just love it when I get the expected results and I have no obstacles in my way. But life is not smooth and it’s absolutely normal to get obstacles.

This post is about my “right now” in response to my colleagues’ challenge to write about my life in this moment.
Life did not turn out exactly as I was imagining at this point… And now I can say that my need to control everything got it’s ass kicked big time!
I have no idea where to begin and I don’t want to tell you a whole long story. So what I will tell you is what is happening right now, without getting you into too many details. Maybe a few more future articles will give you the whole picture.

 

As Simon said in his last article, change is the big word in our lives. And it’s not because we are different than others, but because change is present in everybody’s lives and it’s how we react to change that makes us different from others. And even if I am a coach and I worked with so many clients dealing with change and resistance, I had no idea what BIG change really means until I got here.
The biggest struggle in my situation is to let go of control. As I told you at the beginning I had everything planned and I was supposed to be in control. I thought that I was an extremely healthy person and that I could do everything! I planned my meals, my work, my travels, my life in order to give the best to others but take care of my health too.
But sometimes there are health issues that you have never expected to happen and that you absolutely cannot control. Don’t worry, I am well and will be even better soon.

 

So what happened when I discovered it?
Exactly what I always said that it will not happen to me: I totally rejected it! 🙂
How could I accept it?
Me, the person that used to control everything (even my health)?
Me, the results-oriented person that thought I had all the tools to face any challenge?
Me, the coach that helped my clients throughout even worse situations?
I felt powerless in front of the fact that I could not do anything! I could not control it! I could only wait and see, trust the others, talk about it and have faith! And this created a lot of stress (I will definitely change my “Dealing with Stress” Seminar a bit due to this experience).
Is it maybe because I am used to DOING and not really BEING? Who knows…

 

Maybe you are familiar with the Change Phases, those steps that all of us go though when faced with a sudden, unwanted change. So I will shortly tell you how I behaved (and still behave) in each phase:

 

1. Denial phase

This phase was a very long one but I believe I am finally out of it. I had mixed emotions, fear and guilt, but I felt sure that it was not happening to me. A good phase to ask for a second opinion, research and investigate more. to understand what was happening.
I had questions like: Why is this happening to me? How come me from all of the people? Are you sure it’s true?

 

2. Anger phase

I finally understood what was happening. I was getting angry with everybody and everything, no matter the issue. Was it too hot outside? I was angry with the weather! I was angry with myself, with God, with friends, angry with the doctor and with anyone that tried to show me the bright side and help me. I am not out of this phase yet.

 

3. Bargaining phase

I am not sure when it happened, but I remember bargaining with my doctor on the things to do because I read on the internet other stuff. Ya’… It did not work.

 

4. Depression phase

I have also been there where sadness filled most of my day. And no matter how many tools I have as a coach, I just needed to feel sad and depressed, isolate and not talk about it. I am really blessed to have so much support around me and gratitude should be the main emotion to replace the negative emotions, but I could not help it in being negative and seeing only the empty half of the glass. In a next article I will also let you know which are some of the tools that really helped.

 

5. Acceptance phase

Not sure if I am there yet. But what I can tell you is that discovering that things can get worse it helps in accepting easier the current situation (not thinking that it can be worse, but really getting there).

 

My “right now” is still a mix between all the phases above as there is no clear delimitation among them, but I do hope that I passed most of the phases successfully and that I can now move forward with less fear. I totally understand the Giraffe in this suggestive short video:

 

 

A while ago I said to one of my clients “Sometimes you can’t change the things that happen to you in life, but you can change the way you experience it.” And I told my coach to remind it to me every time that she hears me complaining (which happened a lot lately).

And I know that the future looks good. It’s a feeling inside, it’s a certainty that is part of my body and soul, it might be my optimism or just the fact that I know that I can do it no matter what.

 

But what should I do right now to create a better future for me and my dear ones? How can I create now a better experience for me and the ones around me? How can I experience this change in a better way?

That’s why I am actually afraid of the present moment. The future will be great, but I am so scared of how I am dealing with change and the different phases I am going through right now.

So, where to right now? Or maybe I should just take it day by day, let go of control, enjoy the small moments and be grateful… Maybe this would be a way not be scared of the present anymore? What do you think?

 

Photo credits: Francesco De Lorenzo

 

 

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6 Comments:

    • Simon
    • July 01, 2015
    • Reply

    Wow! I can feel the relief in your words Lidia, thankyou for being so honest!

      • Lidia Dogaru
      • July 08, 2015
      • Reply

      Thank you, Simon!

    • Yayi
    • July 01, 2015
    • Reply

    Kudos for voicing it out. It is very interesting how those phases look like the mourning stages. I think that the “take it day by day” is a less scary strategy that could ease the right-now. Mine has been to accept. It took me a long while but one day I just woke up with a end-of-war feeling. I accepted that I was sick. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. Weeks after, my energy was coming back, I felt less pain. I smiled again. We all have our coping strategies that eventually serve a purpose.
    Very inspiring write-up, thank you for sharing!

      • Lidia Dogaru
      • July 08, 2015
      • Reply

      Yayi, I am still waiting for that moment when I will just accept it…But I am making progress. The time “digest” all these stages differs from one person to another and it’s definitely important to use strategies and tools.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    • Iulia
    • July 01, 2015
    • Reply

    Powerful article Lidia, I’m proud of you.

    Recognizing that you have a problem is a good thing. Explaining how you are dealing with it helps for sure in having a more clear mind about what to do.

    While reading, I just thought that being grateful for what you actualy really have is the start. Health is important and there is a solution.

    And yes, future looks great but future is the sum of “now moments”. So live the “now moment”, experience anger if you feel like doing so. Experience frustration. Experience also joy. Experience depression.
    But be sure to understand that “it can’t rain forever” first and that you have a lot of people who care about you, second.
    So just allow people to stand by you and help even with a word and try to let go the need to control, every day a bit more.

    It’s not easy, we know. But it’s totaly helpful.

    Big time love for you!
    i.

      • Lidia Dogaru
      • July 08, 2015
      • Reply

      Thank you, Iulia. Most of the times we forget about gratitude and unfortunately we forget about it during our difficult times. I love what you said about the future being the sum of now moments, I will use it!

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